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Saturday, 28 November 2009

so anyway.

i feel sometimes like my life is ruled by fear. it governs my actions, choices, sometimes even thoughts. i'm afraid of my parents, i'm afraid of dying, i'm afraid of people i love dying, i'm afraid of violence, confrontation, intimate conversations with friends, getting too close to friends, falling, heights, damaging my eyes or hands, my uterus being damaged or becoming irreparable, being infertile, losing my love, guns, loud noises, crowds, small enclosed spaces i can't easily escape from, being hated by everyone around me, hating everyone around me, being surrounded by people, drowning, being underwater, uncontrolled fire, failing classes/tests/life, disappointing people I love, realising i find friends to be expendable... have i mentioned guns?

i hate guns. they terrify me, loaded or unloaded. i know my love has some for protection. his family keeps the gun cabinet in his room, i guess for lack of space in other rooms or something. i got used to being able to sleep with it there in the room, they're under glass. mostly rifles i think. but what the hell do i know about guns, right? ... paranoia. fear. it's a powerful tool, and a hideously large hindrance. but a great motivator.

he's warned me there will be a loaded but holstered revolver in the room due to paranoia about someone sneaking around outside at night. his dad heard someone outside the other night. thinks it could be a raccoon or one of the two outside cats, but.... fear and paranoia are strong against the paranoically-inclined. with constant reassurance, and i keep reminding myself he's grown up with guns in the house for hunting and self-protection and whatnot and he knows what he's doing... i'm feeling better about it. i'm not sure about how well i'll sleep, but... maybe if i can fall asleep cuddled in his protective embrace i'll be alright, and my nightmares will stay away again.

Tuesday, 08 September 2009

Currently
One Cell in the Sea
By A Fine Frenzy
Rangers
see related
A warning.

I just want to make a note of this. Yes, my boyfriend has motivational problems. Yes, I have considered this in the deepest and most convoluted cause-effect and practical thoughts. Yes, I have considered the fact that I may have to call it quits if he can't get his act together.

I just want to say. I understand you and other people don't like him. Some friends do, and some friends don't. You don't *have* to like him. I like him and love him. I don't care that you think that I'm wasting my time attempting to motivate him to get his life back on track. I may very well be. But I am well intentioned and some results may yet show.

I just want to make a note here that one of the biggest reasons I burn bridges and cut off contact with people is that they piss me off. If you take a route that oversteps your boundaries into my space, talk to me condescendingly, or try to make decisions for me, I will get pissed off. More than pissed off. I may cut you off. I may burn the bridge.

I would just like to say, be careful. Because I don't want to have to cut anyone off. I like you guys. But you're starting to inch towards those boundaries. Boundaries are there for a reason. Do not tell me what to do. Do not talk to me like I am a child, or an idiot.

I have said once and I will say again that I do. Not. Care. I will allow you to have your opinions. I will not allow you to attempt to influence me with your opinions. I make my own choices however stupid or brilliant they may turn out to be. You will not make them for me.

You will not take that from me.

I hope you understand this. This is not meant as an attack. This is meant to confer to you some understanding of how my mind works with people. It may be a bit base. But I have my pride. And I have control over myself and no one else. You have the same: yourself and no one else. If you respect my space and boundaries, I will respect yours.

...this is all. I actually like you. This says something about you. It is a good thing. I don't like most people. But be careful, is all I'm asking.

Friday, 12 June 2009

Currently
Mercenaries
Oh No You Didn't!
see related
Halp.

I need to stop being so baby-crazy. Caught the first minute or so of 30 Rock after the Office tonight... the lady was all googly over the baby. Luckily I'm not so bad that I go around stealing baby booties to stash in my purse like she did... but I feel like I'm halfway insane with the notion. Like sometimes I'll puff out my stomach when standing sideways in front of a mirror and frown at the un-impregnanted shape I have. Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

I need to tone it down a little bit. Particularly since I still have three years of college to go and probably a couple of years of getting life stabilised. There's also that stupid bitch to take care of >.> I don't care what he says. She's too antagonistic to be a friend and I don't like it when he's mad because she started an argument again because she's a spoiled princess bitch, who, if I may take a few liberties here, seems stupid fat and ugly to me. Mostly because of her personality. That and she can cook better than I can, which shouldn't be but is a total blow to my ego.

Ugh.

At any rate, back to babies. Wait! No! Away from them! Sigh. I love little kids. Playing with Karen's kids the other day was such a joy. :D Wore me out something terrible lol but they're wonderful... I can't help but think my own would be even more wonderful. Course, if they're his kids too they'll probably be mischievous daemonspawn XD but I could live with that. : )

Heh... well anyway. I think Dragonica's back up. XD I can probably spare another half hour or so to play with him. lawl. Take my mind off babies, anyway.

Saturday, 25 April 2009

Fuck this.

I'm so fucking sick of this. This ends now.

Tuesday, 23 September 2008

Mood is sort of dreary. I needed a change from the old blog.

I need a change from my old heart. This one is so stained with memory I can't seem to shake. My friends help a little, but the stain remains. When can I shake you off?

Old blog: justlikesandwich.xanga.com

*Shrug* It's not much to look at. It's what i used to be. And now I'm not. This is me now. Hooray, i guess?